BOO HOO! - 6 WEEKS OLD

Leo was 6 weeks old today. Where has the time gone? He is growing so fast and changing all the time.

He really smiles a lot now, especially first thing in the morning after I have changed his nappy. He makes lots of sounds too and tries hard to copy me, or maybe it's me copying him.

He was weighed today at 10lb 10oz and is still following along the 50% line.

His feeding is still all over the place. The main pattern I suppose is lots of feeds in the morning, nap over lunchtime and awake in the afternoon, followed by lots of feeds over dinner time and into the evening.

I have been trying to put him down in his bed at night now and so far it is working OK. He pretty much doesn't settle down until 8-8:30pm.

He did cry himself to sleep today which is progress. It means that I don't always have to comfort him, for him to go to sleep. I sound really harsh I know but he only cried for 5 minutes. He also found his thumb a couple of times today so that helped him to settle himself.

The routine at the moment is I put Ellis in the bath, then dip Leo in and out, get him dressed and put him in his bed with the mobile on. I then wash Ellis and get him out, while running back and forth winding the mobile up. We all sit on the bed for story time and feed Leo. I usually have to break his feed to put Ellis into bed and then I have a shower before topping him up and then sitting with him while he slowly goes to sleep. I sometimes rock him a bit, or rub his belly and if he is really crying I give him cuddles and try to wind him.

Had a bit of a rough night with him last night. He woke 3 times for a feed and I changed his nappy once too. I don't seem to be feeling too tired during the day but come the evening I am sometimes too tired to talk to Rob.

I am a very happy mother right now. I love what I do and my kids are amazing. I still stare at both of them and can't believe I grew them, and they came out my body, and they are mine! It's the best feeling in the world.

What isn't a good feeling is how I feel about myself. I have been really struggling with my post pregnancy/birth body and it has been getting me down. It's only been 6 weeks I know but I just feel like everything should be back to normal by now, and I think Rob assumes it should be too. He has needs too but at the moment I'm just feeling too down about myself to make him happy.

I weighed today and I haven't lost a thing. I'm still rather heavy for me and I don't fit into any clothes which is horrible. I feel scruffy, frumpy and ugly everyday. I have to wear horrid bras that make my boobs look very saggy, my hair is falling out and has lost the pregnancy thickness, my skin is saggy, stretch marks look like the road map of London, my tear is still stinging when I urinate, I have piles, minging feet, and a slightly prolapsed bladder. Top all that with very little good sleep and you can probably see why I don't feel very attractive right now. I am attempting to eat better but it is very difficult. When I feel down all I want to do is eat more!

My relationship with Rob is definetly being hurt by my current mood but I don't think he realises that the way my body looks and feels is really bothering me. I miss my husband, my best friend, my companion but at the moment I have put up a brick wall so that I can cope with my life and I have no time or energy for all the fluffy stuff. I am sure things will improve in time.

Rob and I have been married 5 years this year and I really want to celebrate it. Even if it is just going out for a meal or something. Not sure what we will do about Leo though with regards to a baby sitter.

August did seem so far away but I keep forgetting that Ellis turns 2 in a few weeks time! I haven't planned anything or bought him a gift yet. Need to sort that out.

Off to play Sims 3 for a bit now and then bed.